Memo from the Department of Redundancy Department

摘要

Ladies and gentlemen of the Bilge-water Executive VP team, welcome to this emergency meeting. Those of you able to travel and here now in masks, please remain seated. That goes double for those of you on Zoom, still in your pajama bottoms. I have gathered you today to talk about Bilgewater's pandemic response. Because while all of us are familiar with the terrible death toll and economic dislocation imposed by COVID-19, none of us could have anticipated the serious-I would dare say existential-operational problems the crisis now poses for this particular leadership team. There are three, which I offer in ascending order of heartburn: 1. Productivity: As many of you have no doubt noticed within your respective divisions, Bilgewater employees have responded nimbly to the challenges presented by social distancing and virtual/ remote work. Unburdened by commutes, meaningless meetings, and random requests from their bosses-i.e., us-productivity has soared. In fact, according to an analysis shoved under my nose last week by Old Man Bilgewater himself, our productivity gains over last six months have already outpaced what this team had forecast over the next three years.