Vitali Vitaliev introduces his ever-growing collection of superfluous user manuals and safety instructions. MANY YEARS ago, when I worked for the satirical page of the then prestigious Moscow weekly Literaturnaya Gazeta, we published a spoof safety instruction manual for an STS -'standard table spoon'. I can't remember exactly what it said, something like: "Standard table spoon consists of two parts: (1) Holder and (2) Slurper. When using STS, make sure you get a firm hold of the Holder with your right hand (or your left hand, in case you are left-handed) and that the liquid Off the Slurper is absorbed with the help of a face orifice, normally referred to as 'mouth' - as opposed to another face orifice, often referred to as 'nose' -taking every precaution while moving the STS slowly in the direction of the above-designated orifice... "
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