America's quadrennial search for a designated mourner at the funerals of foreign dignitaries—otherwise known as the vice-president—is in full swing. Short-lists are being drawn up. Shortlists are being narrowed down. Candidates are being grilled by selection teams. Candidates are being grilled on television. Candidates are filling in endless forms, hoping to avoid unexpectedly embarrassing their boss later on. And all this is taking place against the traditional frenzied speculation that is the inevitable consequence of not having much else to discuss. Here are some current hopefuls, together with their main drawbacks. On the Bush side: Tom Ridge of Pennsylvania? Too pro-choice. (The Republican right might stampede.) John Dan-forth of Missouri? Too dignified. (He makes Mr Bush look shallow. Anyway, he's ruled himself out.) Elizabeth Dole? Uninspiring. John Kasich of Ohio? Looks like a boy scout. Frank Keating of Oklahoma? Said homicide is the best way to deal with an unfriendly State teachers union.
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